All The Answers

Today Fara sat down and revealed to me what escaped me for the last year. The moment she spoke the truth it was as if the Great Wave of Kanagawa itself came to swallow away all the pretence that had given me any sense to function at all. I gasped for air, I knotted my blankets, it was as if the metaphor came to life, a giant, overarching elephant once invisible now occupied almost every inch of space I had in my room – This had been what I ignored, what I couldn’t see?

I was flabbergasted at how it all fell into place. The days, the frustrations, all the emotional investments I squandered, lies misplaced, Oh, My, God. I am so, incredibly stupid, the answer so simple it’s almost elegant.

I finally get the full emotional impact of that little Zen story with the fish asking the other fish what is water, where the bigger ( I suppose then older fish ) goes, ‘Oh that’s what’s around you, but you’ll never know it, because it’s part of you, and what has always been.’ Which makes you wonder how the bigger fish got so exceptionally wise; but right now I’m more stunned at the answer to why things had screwed up, until Fara goes, “Oh my God, Kat, I think you just bit your lip… it’s bleeding.”

That metallic taste woke me again, from the shock of waking, and right now I’m going to jump into the shower and decide what I am going to do with this epiphany.

As if reading my mind, Fara pats me gently on my lap. “Kat, at least you know now, when you’re young. I can’t believe you didn’t know it before, but, at least you do now. Instead of forty-five, and no one is reading your blog anymore.”She looks so profound holding her empty bowl of Vienetta ice-cream.

“I’ve been on a rollercoaster ride and all the while, I didn’t realise I was driving.” I manage to say amidst the laughing.

Somewhere outside Richard Swineburne shares drinks with philosophy scholars down at the Moo Bar. It was a good choice not to go, save my two pounds, and find my solution sitting there being said so casually to me. Farther across the planet, there is unfinished business.